2008 Woodie Awards
Zabala declares himself to be first king of Saint Mary's College
Mo Money
Issue date: 4/4/06 Section: April Fool's
- Page 1 of 1
In a shocking press conference shortly after last Sunday's Senate meeting, Associated Students of Saint Mary's College (ASSMC) President John Zabala '06 announced that he is disbanding the Senate and declaring himself "King of Saint Mary's College and the Pretty Hills Behind It." The move, he said, was necessary to defeat the evil army of Albino Raccoons that now threaten to take over Saint Mary's.
"Everybody's been wondering where the Albino Raccoon had gone since no one had seen him in awhile. Well I now have credible evidence that he has been hiding an army brandishing Garbage of Mass Destruction (GMD) and I want him, dead or alive," said Zabala, who added that the power grab also happened because he "just felt like it."
Under the new system, Zabala will pretty much have control over pretty much everything. GaelVision will be known as ZabalaVision, and all students will be required to watch his nightly broadcasts recorded at his lair inside the observatory. His army will apparently be made up of mostly freshman, since there are so many of them anyway. A preemptive strike on the raccoons will take place at dusk this Friday.
"We want to attack the raccoons where they are before they bring their garbage to our shores, or hills, or Public Safety booth, or whatever we're calling the front of campus these days," he said before running off yelling, "ATTAAAAAAAAACK!"
Zabala also said he plans on "removing" all deer from Saint Mary's. He didn't say why.
Although a strict censorship is now in place, some dared to question the move as too extreme and totalitarian.
"How can he do this? There's nothing in the ASSMC laws that says the president can just take over," said one administrator who, out of fear, wished to remain anonymous, named Jim Shootow. "That's it, I'm finally moving off campus …Just kidding."
Zabala will rule from his observatory lair via a camera system centered at the cross. He is expected to make his first royal decree today. According to sources, he will demand he be given a scepter because "what's a king without a scepter?"
Nothing has been confirmed, but rumors are swirling that members of the Integral Program will be members of his new ruling class, meaning members of the new ruling class will be mostly people you've never seen before.
Editor's note: This week marks the last issue of The Collegian as it was started in 1903. We hope all of you will look forward to next week to our inaugural issue of The Zabala Chronicles in which we pay tribute to our new Dear Leader.
"Everybody's been wondering where the Albino Raccoon had gone since no one had seen him in awhile. Well I now have credible evidence that he has been hiding an army brandishing Garbage of Mass Destruction (GMD) and I want him, dead or alive," said Zabala, who added that the power grab also happened because he "just felt like it."
Under the new system, Zabala will pretty much have control over pretty much everything. GaelVision will be known as ZabalaVision, and all students will be required to watch his nightly broadcasts recorded at his lair inside the observatory. His army will apparently be made up of mostly freshman, since there are so many of them anyway. A preemptive strike on the raccoons will take place at dusk this Friday.
"We want to attack the raccoons where they are before they bring their garbage to our shores, or hills, or Public Safety booth, or whatever we're calling the front of campus these days," he said before running off yelling, "ATTAAAAAAAAACK!"
Zabala also said he plans on "removing" all deer from Saint Mary's. He didn't say why.
Although a strict censorship is now in place, some dared to question the move as too extreme and totalitarian.
"How can he do this? There's nothing in the ASSMC laws that says the president can just take over," said one administrator who, out of fear, wished to remain anonymous, named Jim Shootow. "That's it, I'm finally moving off campus …Just kidding."
Zabala will rule from his observatory lair via a camera system centered at the cross. He is expected to make his first royal decree today. According to sources, he will demand he be given a scepter because "what's a king without a scepter?"
Nothing has been confirmed, but rumors are swirling that members of the Integral Program will be members of his new ruling class, meaning members of the new ruling class will be mostly people you've never seen before.
Editor's note: This week marks the last issue of The Collegian as it was started in 1903. We hope all of you will look forward to next week to our inaugural issue of The Zabala Chronicles in which we pay tribute to our new Dear Leader.