The Collegian

Issue date: 5/2/06 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: Ken Fung

My father bought a new riding lawn mower last week. He purchased one of those beautiful John Deere babies that resembles a small tractor. It has lights. It has cruise control. Turns on a dime, my dad says. He told me I should bring my sweetheart back to the farm in Oregon so she can give it a try. "We have to culture that city girl," he says.

Last time my sweetheart and I were on the farm we washed the horse trailer. The green algae that quilted the trailer required a gallon of bleach and an afternoon of scrubbing to make it shine. My city girl soaked up a little culture along with some of that bleach. But there is no culture like riding a lawn mower.

There is a feeling of power and dominance when you sit atop a small tractor and prepare to conquer the lawn that has dared to grow. If you've only operated a pushing lawn mower you know nothing. More than likely you're from the city and have a plot of grass so small it would be more economical to trim it with scissors. Snip, snip, baby. Bring those scissors on my property and I'll run you over with my John Deere.

When embarking on a lawn mowing session on my farm you must be prepared. It's a battle that requires deft handling skills, patience, and initiative. I don't expect most city-kids could handle it. What with treadmills, SUV's, and motorcycles, your appreciation for a truly masculine machine has been lost.

If you just want a taste of the power behind a John Deere, yank the cord on a chainsaw and demolish your mom's favorite shrub.

A lesser machine, but equally as fun as a chainsaw is the weedwacker - also good for taking out your mom's shrubs. If one of you city kids has one of these, however, you probably have the plastic blade on the bottom that can barely cut the stem of a tulip. It's okay. You didn't know to buy a man's man weedwacker with a metal blade the size of a prop on a ski-boat.

Really, though. The chainsaw? The weedwacker? Mere toys by comparison to the John Deere riding lawn mower.

You city kids are so cute driving your gas-guzzling SUV's, going to your fake-tanning booths, and drinking cocktails by the pool. It gives me jitters.

Just remember. John Deeres are green and yellow. I have one. You don't.

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