The Collegian

Issue date: 10/10/06 Section: Opinion

As if I didn't have enough reasons to become rich, I tuned into the latest Enron news. A week ago Andy Fastow, the head schemer in Enron, was given six years in a minimum security prison, four years less than the previous deal. This was handed down after the judge saw how much Fastow had suffered, and called him "a born-again philanthropist."Andy robbed as much as $25 million during the fall of Enron, and was now able to put that money to more pious uses: donating to charities, building clinics, petitioning for sainthood, etc. While hearing the details of the much-softened sentence, it dawned upon me: I need to be rich!

Being rich definitely has its perks. Let me tell you, I need all the perks I can get. Being a Mexican (legal, thank you very much) nowadays is not getting easier, especially when it comes to the law. The Man has it out for me, so I need all the help I can get. I figure that if I ever got in a legal jam, like Mr. Fastow, I could make my crime work for me. Fastow was able to become a philanthropist because of all the money he stole. Therefore, if I steal TVs, I can donate those TVs to the poor and end up looking like a saint. Fastow knew how to use his tainted money. He is the modern-day Robin Hood.

Even in much more severe situations, a rich guilty man is in a better position than a poor innocent man.

If I commit murder, for example, but have more yachts than P. Diddy, my odds are pretty good.

Oftentimes, the justice system goes easy on rich folk because of their "stature in the community" and how much they have donated to the local orphanage, or softball league, or whatever. And the thing is, it works! No one wants to see a "respected" man of the community behind bars.

This doesn't work for the less rich (or less white), though, since they have no money to be charitable with, and no publicist to make them look good. Look at "Tookie" Williams, who made great works and became respected while in prison. Where did that get him? On the chopping block.

Rich people are smart. They know what they have, and they know how to use it. The criminally rich or the criminal rich are even better at using their goods when they are bad.

Think of it as a squirrel storing nuts for the winter. Just switch squirrel for weasel.

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